Tim Tebow - The Man We Hate To Love To Hate

       Unless you have been under a rock for the last half decade you have heard of Tim Tebow. The guy is everywhere. He is the former Heisman and National Championship winning quarterback from the University of Florida, outspoken (understatement) Christian, Philipino surgeon, and current "savior" of the Denver Broncos. He is the football media's Captain America: a shining example of what is great and wonderful in the world. He does no wrong. He is so pure that it is easy to make him the brunt of jokes, especially when it comes to his faith (a recent SNL skit and now infamous Bill Maher tweet come to mind). The problem here is that he is so nice that you hate to hate him. Hating him is like hating a baby panda.

Try it. I dare you.

       This post is not meant to specifically make fun of Tim Tebow. He is a very gifted athlete and all around decent human being. What he chooses to do (or not do) in the bedroom is his business, regardless of the millions of women that would give it up in a second were he to only ask.

Seriously, man. You're killing me.

       No, I only mean to suggest that much of his hype is due to the repeated vocalization of his faith. Let us consider his accomplishments this season. To the numbers:

       Upon getting the starting nod in Week 7, the Tebow-led Broncos went 7-4 in the regular season. In those seven wins, with the exception of a 14-point victory over Oakland, the Broncos won by an average score of 3.8 points, all of which against non-playoff (read: bad) teams. In the four losses, the Broncos were defeated by an average score of 20.8 points, three of which were playoff (read: good) teams.

       For the sake of argument, I will speak as though Tebow is solely responsible for the outcome of the games as the media does. Tebow beat seven non-playoff teams and lost to three playoff teams and one non-playoff team (Buffalo). Could it not be argued that these games were won in spite of him? He barely beat teams with a combined record of 48-64. Yes, he had several fourth quarter comebacks this season. However, it could be argued that the comebacks would have been unnecessary had the game been played with quality quarterbacking in the first three quarters. Tebow's quarterback rating in the first three quarters during the regular season was 65.1. By comparison, of the 33 quarterbacks to play enough for a quarterback rating this season, the median player was Kevin Kolb, of the non-playoff Cardinals, with an 81.1 rating. The question must be asked: how much different would the Broncos scores look with a more efficient passer behind the center? You could bring up Kyle Orton, but that's the beauty of a hypothetical question. We'll never know. The numbers do show that with Orton at QB the Broncos averaged 20.6 points per game, compared to Tebow's 18.5, so take that for what you will.

       I'd like to bring the conversation back to topic by re-visiting a point I made above. The media has given sole responsibility to Tebow for the team's success. They seem to completely overlook the fact that football is a TEAM sport. Let us not forget that he is backed up by the number one rushing offense in the entire league, usually found to be a staple of a successful young QB (see: Roethlisberger, Sanchez). Or how about the fact that he was only able to score more than 18 points in two of his wins? In a time of offensive explosion, 18 points has become the sign of a sputtering offense. Therefore, should credit not be given to the defense for keeping the other team to less than 18? It is true that at the end of the game the only thing that matters is the final score, but at the same time Tebow is lauded as the savior of the season, the Mile High Messiah, with no credit given to any other piece of the team. Could this be, at least in part, a result of wanting to see such a pure, devoutly religious figure be successful in a league littered with scandal and felonies?

       Tebow-mania came to a frenzied head this weekend as the Broncos defeated the Steelers in an AFC Wildcard game in overtime. Any headline you read likely cited Tebow's 80-yard touchdown pass on the first play of overtime as the reason behind the win, making it sound as though he heaved the ball four-fifths of a football field to a receiver for the victory. Here is the play. It appears to me that the receiver, Demaryius Thomas, did most of the work on the play in fending off more than one defender while running 60 yards to the end zone. All Tebow did was throw a 20-yard pass to a wide open receiver (a throw he short-hopped the series before) and let Thomas do the rest of the work. It then took less than a day for a link to be made between his total passing yards in the game, 316, and his favorite Bible verse, John 3:16. To many, this is clear proof that his belief in God is leading to wins on the football field.

       Assuming that this isn't completely ridiculous and that God has chosen to spend his time fixing American football games and not feeding the hungry or curing the sick, let's analyze this idea. How is it that God receives all the credit from Tebow for wins (here or here or any time he opens his mouth) yet God is never blamed when Tebow loses? If He (God) has a direct impact on victories then logically He must also be responsible for defeats. In fact, Tebow himself takes all the blame in defeats, especially in a now famous speech he gave in college after a loss to Ole Miss. He promises the fans that they, "...will never see any player in the entire country work as hard as [he] will play the rest of the season." If Tebow's talent is all thanks to God, then he can't accept credit for being such a hard worker and a winner because both are out of his control.

       In closing, if you truly believe that Tebow's outspoken faith is not a factor in his fame and the credit he receives for the team's wins then ask yourself this: what if he were praising Allah after every victory?

       One final note to faith-based Tebow fans: correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't a few of the commandments to not have any other Gods and to not bow down to a false idol? (They are. They're the first two. I'm being facetious.)

See you in Hell.

Five New Year's Resolutions Pro Athletes Need To Make

       In the spirit of the season I thought I would write a New Year's themed post. It occurred to me that arguably the most important part of New Year's is the resolution (next to putting this as your Facebook status). I'm not too concerned about my own long-standing resolution as I do not foresee myself saying the phrase, "We're in a real pickle" any time soon (and no, that doesn't count). Many people's resolutions center around health - losing weight, quitting smoking, exercising three days a week, etc., while others revolved around how they treat others/themselves or making positive changes in the world around them. A few interesting resolutions I saw were profession related and it got me thinking about changes certain professions could use in the new year. 


       As big time athletics makes up a large part of my life, I decided there were a few New Year's resolutions that it wouldn't hurt for professional athletes to adopt:


I will not celebrate minuscule accomplishments.

       You've all seen it. It is especially prevalent in professional football (and as a result college football). A linebacker makes a tackle after a six yard gain and gets up smacking his chest, talking a lot of shit to the opponent (probably like this, I'd imagine), and pointing to the sky or the crowd or, if you are All-American Gary Bertier, the opposing coach (which really was one of the weirdest parts of that movie. Why? What is he implying?). 

Taken immediately after a gain of 16, probably.

       Guess what, guys? It is your JOB to do this. Actually, it is your job to do this before the offense gets a first down. You're getting paid a lot of money (which I will get to in a minute) to make sure the team you are playing doesn't make those gains, score those touchdowns, and as a result shame the entire state you play for, causing a proven spike in spousal abuse, irritable bowel syndrome, diaper rash, underage pregnancy, and scurvy (I looked for the link to that study, but it was difficult to find as it does not exist).


       And it isn't just the defense. How many times have you seen a running back run for no gain or a receiver catch a ball for a three yard gain and get up as though they had just won the Super Bowl? Guys, this represents the minimum effort you can give and still argue that you're doing your job. It would be the same as your waiter bringing you a piece of burnt toast with olives on it, even though you ordered a cheeseburger, and expecting a good tip because what he brought you was still technically food.


I will appreciate the fact that I make millions to play a game.


       A few weeks ago news broke that Diedre Pujols, wife of MVP first baseman Albert Pujols, was "mad at God" over the five-year, $130 million deal that the St. Louis Cardinals offered to keep him in the Mounds City (seriously, that's the nickname. Speaking of nicknames, how does no one call him 'Poo holes'? I mean, come on. It's right there. You guys can have that one. My gift to you in the new year). Apparently making $26 million is a slight by God. I don't blame her. You can barely fill your fleet of Escalades up on $26 million these days, let alone pay the electric bill on your third beach house.

Pictured above: Poverty.

       Granted, it was nothing compared to the 10-year, $254 million contract ($25.4 million a year. Someone got fucked in those negotiations and I believe it was Poo Holes. See how fun that nickname is?) he signed with the Angels, which she attributes to God's quirky sense of humor at the end of the above article, making it that much easier to hate her.


       Talk about a slap in the face to your loyal fans. According to the 2011 census, the per capita income of St. Louis is $27,800. Take the final offer St. Louis offered, $21 million per year over ten years, and compare that to the average Cardinals fan. Pujols would have been able to pay a full year's salary to one of them for 755 years with a single year of the contract offered to him, which ironically is probably what it would cost to find a fan of his in St. Louis these days (and if those negotiations didn't go like this then I don't even want to live in America anymore).


       I have nothing against getting paid what you think you are worth, but to say that a salary in the multi-millions of dollars per year is an insult to you is really just disrespectful to the hard working fans that use their money they earned educating the future of America, protecting your streets, and making sure you don't get the itchy skin that comes from too much chlorine in your pool, just to watch you hit a ball. Maybe Diedre can use that massive pay day to buy a little perspective. While we are on the subject...


I will not complain about my life.


       Nobody wants to hear about how bad you have it. Oh, you have practice and meetings and there's a good chance you're going to get hurt at some point in time? Tell it to these guys:

       I hate to keep beating at a dead Sarah Jessica Parker, but let's look at money again. Granted, this is from 2006, but given how salaries have exploded in the last several years these numbers are probably lower than today's average athlete salaries. They ranged from the highest, the NBA at $5 million, to the lowest, Women's golf, at $162,000. Then consider that the average American soldier makes about $1,300 a month and even if you want to argue that they get bonuses and housing arrangements (and why would you do that? You some kind of communist?) they are still a far shot from even coming close to the salaries we are talking about for a professional athlete. 

       Go to practice, entertain your fans, go home and ignore your super model girlfriend while you literally swim in your riches like Scrooge McDuck. Quit telling us what a victim you are. If you really hate the lifestyle, remember that no one is making you spend your life as a professional athlete and that the military is always hiring.


I will not date socialite trash.

      Moving on...

I will not change my name to something stupid.


       Any time a professional athlete changes his legal name, with the exception of religious reasons, it comes across as a publicity stunt. The shining example of this is Chad Johnson, who in 2008 changed his name legally to Chad "Ocho Cinco". At the time it was the latest in a long string of publicity stunts, ranging from sending opponents "care packages" of deodorant and Pepto Bismol (because they stink/might get sick, get it?) to actually riding a live bull in the off-season because the Professional Bull Riding (Club? Association?) challenged him to it. It went really well, by the way. He claims to have changed his name in honor of Latin-American awareness month, but if that were the case why would he make his last name "eight five" and not "eighty-five", which is his number? (Ochenta y cinco would be eighty-five, by the way.)

It's probably got nothing to do with a need for attention.

       The latest example of this phenomenon has been from a shining example of emotional stability, Ron Artest. If you missed it in the video, Artest is the guy that charges into the stands in Detroit to fight fans who threw a cup of ice at him (but seriously, how did you miss that?). His legal name is now Metta World Peace, which led to millions of people doing this move at their televisions when the news broke. Yes, the same guy that charged into the stands during an NBA game and threw a hay maker at the wrong guy will be known as 'Mr. World Peace' when he is substitute teaching in the next three to five years.

       So in the coming year maybe think back to this post and reconsider when you want to change your name to Captain Gummy Bear because, if for no other reason, that's a terrible name. Though I guess my point in all of this is the following: everyone makes mistakes and has issues they need to work on, even the rich and famous (in many cases, especially the rich and famous).  The whole point of a resolution is to recognize something in yourself that needs changing. Hopefully in the next 361 days you succeed in changing it for the better or maybe take a few steps in the right direction. At the very least you gave it a shot. That's all anyone can do. 

       Unless you're a professional athlete, in which case you probably pay someone to do it for you.

Happy New Year!