Five New Year's Resolutions Pro Athletes Need To Make

       In the spirit of the season I thought I would write a New Year's themed post. It occurred to me that arguably the most important part of New Year's is the resolution (next to putting this as your Facebook status). I'm not too concerned about my own long-standing resolution as I do not foresee myself saying the phrase, "We're in a real pickle" any time soon (and no, that doesn't count). Many people's resolutions center around health - losing weight, quitting smoking, exercising three days a week, etc., while others revolved around how they treat others/themselves or making positive changes in the world around them. A few interesting resolutions I saw were profession related and it got me thinking about changes certain professions could use in the new year. 


       As big time athletics makes up a large part of my life, I decided there were a few New Year's resolutions that it wouldn't hurt for professional athletes to adopt:


I will not celebrate minuscule accomplishments.

       You've all seen it. It is especially prevalent in professional football (and as a result college football). A linebacker makes a tackle after a six yard gain and gets up smacking his chest, talking a lot of shit to the opponent (probably like this, I'd imagine), and pointing to the sky or the crowd or, if you are All-American Gary Bertier, the opposing coach (which really was one of the weirdest parts of that movie. Why? What is he implying?). 

Taken immediately after a gain of 16, probably.

       Guess what, guys? It is your JOB to do this. Actually, it is your job to do this before the offense gets a first down. You're getting paid a lot of money (which I will get to in a minute) to make sure the team you are playing doesn't make those gains, score those touchdowns, and as a result shame the entire state you play for, causing a proven spike in spousal abuse, irritable bowel syndrome, diaper rash, underage pregnancy, and scurvy (I looked for the link to that study, but it was difficult to find as it does not exist).


       And it isn't just the defense. How many times have you seen a running back run for no gain or a receiver catch a ball for a three yard gain and get up as though they had just won the Super Bowl? Guys, this represents the minimum effort you can give and still argue that you're doing your job. It would be the same as your waiter bringing you a piece of burnt toast with olives on it, even though you ordered a cheeseburger, and expecting a good tip because what he brought you was still technically food.


I will appreciate the fact that I make millions to play a game.


       A few weeks ago news broke that Diedre Pujols, wife of MVP first baseman Albert Pujols, was "mad at God" over the five-year, $130 million deal that the St. Louis Cardinals offered to keep him in the Mounds City (seriously, that's the nickname. Speaking of nicknames, how does no one call him 'Poo holes'? I mean, come on. It's right there. You guys can have that one. My gift to you in the new year). Apparently making $26 million is a slight by God. I don't blame her. You can barely fill your fleet of Escalades up on $26 million these days, let alone pay the electric bill on your third beach house.

Pictured above: Poverty.

       Granted, it was nothing compared to the 10-year, $254 million contract ($25.4 million a year. Someone got fucked in those negotiations and I believe it was Poo Holes. See how fun that nickname is?) he signed with the Angels, which she attributes to God's quirky sense of humor at the end of the above article, making it that much easier to hate her.


       Talk about a slap in the face to your loyal fans. According to the 2011 census, the per capita income of St. Louis is $27,800. Take the final offer St. Louis offered, $21 million per year over ten years, and compare that to the average Cardinals fan. Pujols would have been able to pay a full year's salary to one of them for 755 years with a single year of the contract offered to him, which ironically is probably what it would cost to find a fan of his in St. Louis these days (and if those negotiations didn't go like this then I don't even want to live in America anymore).


       I have nothing against getting paid what you think you are worth, but to say that a salary in the multi-millions of dollars per year is an insult to you is really just disrespectful to the hard working fans that use their money they earned educating the future of America, protecting your streets, and making sure you don't get the itchy skin that comes from too much chlorine in your pool, just to watch you hit a ball. Maybe Diedre can use that massive pay day to buy a little perspective. While we are on the subject...


I will not complain about my life.


       Nobody wants to hear about how bad you have it. Oh, you have practice and meetings and there's a good chance you're going to get hurt at some point in time? Tell it to these guys:

       I hate to keep beating at a dead Sarah Jessica Parker, but let's look at money again. Granted, this is from 2006, but given how salaries have exploded in the last several years these numbers are probably lower than today's average athlete salaries. They ranged from the highest, the NBA at $5 million, to the lowest, Women's golf, at $162,000. Then consider that the average American soldier makes about $1,300 a month and even if you want to argue that they get bonuses and housing arrangements (and why would you do that? You some kind of communist?) they are still a far shot from even coming close to the salaries we are talking about for a professional athlete. 

       Go to practice, entertain your fans, go home and ignore your super model girlfriend while you literally swim in your riches like Scrooge McDuck. Quit telling us what a victim you are. If you really hate the lifestyle, remember that no one is making you spend your life as a professional athlete and that the military is always hiring.


I will not date socialite trash.

      Moving on...

I will not change my name to something stupid.


       Any time a professional athlete changes his legal name, with the exception of religious reasons, it comes across as a publicity stunt. The shining example of this is Chad Johnson, who in 2008 changed his name legally to Chad "Ocho Cinco". At the time it was the latest in a long string of publicity stunts, ranging from sending opponents "care packages" of deodorant and Pepto Bismol (because they stink/might get sick, get it?) to actually riding a live bull in the off-season because the Professional Bull Riding (Club? Association?) challenged him to it. It went really well, by the way. He claims to have changed his name in honor of Latin-American awareness month, but if that were the case why would he make his last name "eight five" and not "eighty-five", which is his number? (Ochenta y cinco would be eighty-five, by the way.)

It's probably got nothing to do with a need for attention.

       The latest example of this phenomenon has been from a shining example of emotional stability, Ron Artest. If you missed it in the video, Artest is the guy that charges into the stands in Detroit to fight fans who threw a cup of ice at him (but seriously, how did you miss that?). His legal name is now Metta World Peace, which led to millions of people doing this move at their televisions when the news broke. Yes, the same guy that charged into the stands during an NBA game and threw a hay maker at the wrong guy will be known as 'Mr. World Peace' when he is substitute teaching in the next three to five years.

       So in the coming year maybe think back to this post and reconsider when you want to change your name to Captain Gummy Bear because, if for no other reason, that's a terrible name. Though I guess my point in all of this is the following: everyone makes mistakes and has issues they need to work on, even the rich and famous (in many cases, especially the rich and famous).  The whole point of a resolution is to recognize something in yourself that needs changing. Hopefully in the next 361 days you succeed in changing it for the better or maybe take a few steps in the right direction. At the very least you gave it a shot. That's all anyone can do. 

       Unless you're a professional athlete, in which case you probably pay someone to do it for you.

Happy New Year!