Stop Talking To Myself: The Eleven Commandments of Proper Gym Etiquette

While I haven't had the pleasure (heavy sarcasm) of working out in a public facility for some time now, I remember the days of juiced up, mirror-hogging douches and upper body only meat heads. It is these irritating gym goers that often made the experience almost not worth the effort. I feel for my brothers and sisters still forced to tolerate these people, so I have taken it upon myself to create the following eleven commandments to keep you from being the biggest jackass in the gym.

Thou Shalt Not Make the Noises of the Beasts of Cloven Hoof Lest Ye Be Lifting Heavy Weight

There will come a point in time while exercising where you will push yourself to your limit (Hopefully, or else what the hell are you doing there?) and an exasperated grunt may escape your mouth. It happens and science has shown it may help to produce a maximal effort. That being said, there is no need to do your best wounded animal impression for every single repetition, especially if it is not heavy. I used to workout with a guy who felt the need to let out a pterodactyl scream for every rep and, besides the obvious annoyance, showed that clearly he just wanted everyone to watch him lift. Don't be that guy.

Thou Shalt Forsake Lifting Gloves

Never trust someone without a few callouses.

If Thou Sweat, Clean Thy Sweat

Sweating in the gym is acceptable. In fact, it is encouraged. However, no one wants to sit in a pool of your sweat after you, no matter the ergogenic properties you may believe it to have. Towel up your sweat when you're done. This rule also applies to all other bodily fluids, but I'll leave the specifics to your imagination.

Relevant.

Thou Shalt Not Fall Victim to Pride

Spoiler alert: everyone hates the person that flexes in the mirror at the gym. Everyone.

Thou Shalt Restrict Thine Personal Auditory Devices To Thyself

Headphones go into your ears. They do this so that you can listen to the music you like without bothering those around you. While you may get pumped to workout to the latest stylings of 2 Chainz or whatever terrible new rapper is popular now (anything after early 2000's Eminem is just awful), the others at the gym may not be so enthralled by autotune and unending repetition of the word "swag". Keep your music to a level where you can enjoy it without assaulting anyone else's ears. I've also noticed a propensity for owners of the giant Beats By Dre headphones to wear them around the neck and use them as mini-speakers for everyone within 100 feet to enjoy, thus completely destroying the point of owning headphones. Knock that shit off.

"Like what I'm listening to? Doesn't matter because you're listening anyway."

Thou Shalt Not Give Advice Lest Ye Be Asked

Being a frequent gym goer does not qualify you in any sense of the word to dole out exercise advice. Granted, if someone is very clearly going to injure themselves doing the latest fad in CrossFit (I couldn't help myself) maybe mention to them that they are about to blow out their shoulder. Otherwise, keep your opinions to yourself.

Thou Shalt Perform Thy Reps, Then Move On

A public gym is for everyone, not just you - hence the title "public". If there is no one in there then feel free to take up whatever room you need, but if there are other patrons there be conscious of that fact. For example, if you want to do barbell shrugs (sweet traps, bro) that's fine, but you do not need to take up the entire rack, and potentially hinder another person who wants to squat and may actually need the entire rack. Use dumbbells or, at the very least, move a barbell off the rack. If you are doing lifts that require a rack, complete them in an acceptable time frame (I understand the need for adequate rest for heavy sets, but don't be a jackass) and then move out of the way so someone else may be able to enjoy the same benefits you did.

Thou Shalt Robe Thyself Appropriately, Even If They Be Garments of Different Sorts

If your sleeves are inhibiting your ability to lift then the solution is a larger shirt, not cutting the sleeves, and half the shirt, off entirely. A good general rule of thumb is to wear clothing that will cover any part of your torso that will contact the equipment you are using.

I can see your nipples, Tim. That's weird.

Thou Shalt Not Alter Thy Appearance Before Thy Workout

Exercise is supposed to be hard. You are supposed to sweat. You probably won't look your best afterwards. There is no need for make up or hair product. If you are more concerned with how you look during the workout than how you are performing during the workout then a re-assessment of your priorities may be in order. Also, mascara running down your face on an elliptical looks ridiculous.

Now entering target heart rate zone.

If Thou Rack Weight, Unrack It

It's common courtesy. You can squat 500 pounds? Sweet. Unfortunately, most people can't do that. If you can load that amount of weight then you can obviously unload it. Clean up after yourself. You aren't an infant.

Do Not Boast of Thy Workout From The Altar

It is perfectly appropriate to be proud of your efforts at the gym. You are putting time and effort into creating a healthier you and kudos to you for that. But I promise you, I promise you, no one else cares. Don't boast on social media, or in person, about your "awesome back and bi" workout or how you just "rise and grind"ed on the treadmill for forty minutes this morning. The people you're talking to either also exercised, and thus see nothing special about your claims, or didn't and either aren't interested or possibly feel like shit now. Except for the creepy guy you know that always comments about how good you look on your pictures (and what the hell is that guy's deal?), all comments that follow will be obligatory. Do your work and let the results do the talking.