A New Take On Simple vs. Complex Carbs

As beach season is right around the corner (if Mother Nature decides to get her shit together), I have had several people ask me for tips as they get ready to wear the least amount of clothing they can legally get away with while also causing the fewest amount of "clawing of eyes" related injuries from on-lookers.

I tell them the same thing I always tell people when having a "beach bod" comes up: training is a very small part of the equation. By telling you this I, as a member of the Strength Coach Illuminati, have already ensured my untimely, but completely "accidental", death. As a result, I see no reason not to share another trade secret: if you want to look good, it is 80% how well you eat (numbers subject to being completely erroneous as I pulled them off the top of my head). I heard this phrase a while back and I really liked it: abs are made in the kitchen. This doubles as both sound dietary advice as well as a veritable gold mine of Hannibal Lecter jokes.

Now, I am not a registered dietitian, but I do know a thing or two about food. When I go over getting in your macros and not eating like shit (you are what you eat, kids), people inevitably get hung up on this notion of "good" carbs vs. "bad" carbs. Now, before I continue, let's just get one thing straight: there is such a thing as good carbs.

"But Mike, carbs are evil!"

Carbs are not evil. They are your primary fuel source. They do not inherently make you fat. If you give your body excess fuel and do not burn it off, it is going to store it so you can use it later. If you don't use that energy at any point then guess what? It stays around, looking suspiciously like fat. As with all things, moderation is key.

"But Mike, the Kardashians say they are bad!"

Yes, because the Kardashians are shining examples of positive life choices. Just ask Ray-J.

"But Mike, the cave men didn't have carbs! If they didn't need them then neither do I!"

The cave men also didn't have indoor plumbing, but I don't see you shitting on your lawn.

At first, I tried to go into detail about simple carbohydrates versus complex carbohydrates and the glycemic index (which if you're actually interested in learning more about you can find information here). However, more often than not, my efforts were greeted with the gradual blankening of stares as I inevitably lost everyone thanks to my effort to cram a long-winded chemistry lesson into thirty seconds. It was here that the words of Albert Einstein echoed in my mind.

So, I went back to the books in an effort to understand these concepts better in hopes of generating a new way to talk to people about carbohydrates. I don't know about you, but my memory always retains concepts with several parts better when I can create an analogy to go along with it.

I promise this actually works. It in no way is an attempt by me to shoe horn a clip from the movie 'Road Trip' into this post, but since you asked for it:

Now, what resonates with people in a way that I can explain carbohydrates in a simple and concise manner? Oh, right. Sex.

Think of simple carbohydrates (sugar, white flour products, yogurt, sugar, candy, sugar, chocolate, sugar) as a one night stand. Are they the best choice available? Probably not. Is it going to give you anything sustainable? Doubtful. But if you are in dire straights and really, really need some energy (wink), they serve their purpose. Just understand that they are going to flame out pretty quickly and you're probably going to be left feeling worse than you did before you indulged (wink wink). That being said, as long as you make sure you are smart about it and don't make it a lifestyle choice the occasional dip into some simple carbs (wink wink wink) won't kill you.

Now think of complex carbohydrates (vegetables, oats, legumes, whole wheat bread, pasta, and cereal) as a long-term relationship. If done right, they give you a longer, more fulfilling burst of energy, they help you to achieve your goals and, ultimately, be a better person. They can be a bit more difficult to find (unless you know where to look in the grocery store....hey, that works for both parts of this analogy) and usually take a little more effort if you want to make them work, but in the long run they are much better for you. Also, if you have a choice between complex carbohydrates at home and simple carbs out at a bar, definitely go with the complex carbs. Your waistline (or that general area) will be better off for it.

You, hopefully.

Training Song of the Week:

Straight Jacket Supermodel - Eve to Adam

Motivational Video of the Week:

Find Your Strong

The Eleven Commandments of Proper Gym Etiquette

         While I haven't had the pleasure (heavy sarcasm) of working out in a public facility for some time now, I remember the days of juiced up, mirror-hogging douches and upper body only meat heads. It is these irritating gym goers that often made the experience almost not worth the effort. I feel for my brothers and sisters still forced to tolerate these people, so I have taken it upon myself to create the following eleven commandments to keep you from being the biggest jackass in the gym.

Thou Shalt Not Make the Noises of the Beasts of Cloven Hoof Lest Ye Be Lifting Heavy Weight

There will come a point in time while exercising where you will push yourself to your limit (Hopefully, or else what the hell are you doing there?) and an exasperated grunt may escape your mouth. It happens and science has shown it may help to produce a maximal effort. That being said, there is no need to do your best wounded animal impression for every single repetition, especially if it is not heavy. I used to workout with a guy who felt the need to let out a pterodactyl scream for every rep and, besides the obvious annoyance, showed that clearly he just wanted everyone to watch him lift. Don't be that guy.

Thou Shalt Forsake Lifting Gloves

Never trust someone without a few callouses.

If Thou Sweat, Clean Thy Sweat

Sweating in the gym is acceptable. In fact, it is encouraged. However, no one wants to sit in a pool of your sweat after you, no matter the ergogenic properties you may believe it to have. Towel up your sweat when you're done. This rule also applies to all other bodily fluids, but I'll leave the specifics to your imagination.

Relevant.

Thou Shalt Not Fall Victim to Pride

Spoiler alert: everyone hates the person that flexes in the mirror at the gym. Everyone.

Thou Shalt Restrict Thine Personal Auditory Devices To Thyself

Headphones go into your ears. They do this so that you can listen to the music you like without bothering those around you. While you may get pumped to workout to the latest stylings of 2 Chainz or whatever terrible new rapper is popular now (anything after early 2000's Eminem is just awful), the others at the gym may not be so enthralled by autotune and unending repetition of the word "swag". Keep your music to a level where you can enjoy it without assaulting anyone else's ears. I've also noticed a propensity for owners of the giant Beats By Dre headphones to wear them around the neck and use them as mini-speakers for everyone within 100 feet to enjoy, thus completely destroying the point of owning headphones. Knock that shit off.

"Like what I'm listening to? Doesn't matter because you're listening anyway."

Thou Shalt Not Give Advice Lest Ye Be Asked

Being a frequent gym goer does not qualify you in any sense of the word to dole out exercise advice. Granted, if someone is very clearly going to injure themselves doing the latest fad in CrossFit (I couldn't help myself) maybe mention to them that they are about to blow out their shoulder. Otherwise, keep your opinions to yourself.

Thou Shalt Perform Thy Reps, Then Move On

A public gym is for everyone, not just you - hence the title "public". If there is no one in there then feel free to take up whatever room you need, but if there are other patrons there be conscious of that fact. For example, if you want to do barbell shrugs (sweet traps, bro) that's fine, but you do not need to take up the entire rack, and potentially hinder another person who wants to squat and may actually need the entire rack. Use dumbbells or, at the very least, move a barbell off the rack. If you are doing lifts that require a rack, complete them in an acceptable time frame (I understand the need for adequate rest for heavy sets, but don't be a jackass) and then move out of the way so someone else may be able to enjoy the same benefits you did.

Thou Shalt Robe Thyself Appropriately, Even If They Be Garments of Different Sorts

If your sleeves are inhibiting your ability to lift then the solution is a larger shirt, not cutting the sleeves, and half the shirt, off entirely. A good general rule of thumb is to wear clothing that will cover any part of your torso that will contact the equipment you are using.

I can see your nipples, Tim. That's weird.

Thou Shalt Not Alter Thy Appearance Before Thy Workout

Exercise is supposed to be hard. You are supposed to sweat. You probably won't look your best afterwards. There is no need for make up or hair product. If you are more concerned with how you look during the workout than how you are performing during the workout then a re-assessment of your priorities may be in order. Also, mascara running down your face on an elliptical looks ridiculous.

Now entering target heart rate zone.

If Thou Rack Weight, Unrack It

It's common courtesy. You can squat 500 pounds? Sweet. Unfortunately, most people can't do that.  If you can load that amount of weight then you can obviously unload it. Clean up after yourself. You aren't an infant.

Do Not Boast of Thy Workout From The Altar

It is perfectly appropriate to be proud of your efforts at the gym. You are putting time and effort into creating a healthier you and kudos to you for that. But I promise you, I promise you, no one else cares. Don't boast on social media, or in person, about your "awesome back and bi" workout or how you just "rise and grind"ed on the treadmill for forty minutes this morning. The people you're talking to either also exercised, and thus see nothing special about your claims, or didn't and either aren't interested or possibly feel like shit now. Except for the creepy guy you know that always comments about how good you look on your pictures (and what the hell is that guy's deal?), all comments that follow will be obligatory. Do your work and let the results do the talking.

Training Song of the Week:

Left For You - Nonpoint

Motivational Video of the Week:

Success - Jaret Grossman

Admittedly, the middle part gets a little corny, but overall the speech is amazing.